Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
