If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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