You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
