hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
its liver damage thursday
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
