Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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