420 ftw
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
