Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
