new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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