my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize