Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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