Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
