paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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