I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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