evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
