Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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