True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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