I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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