In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
