well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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