I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
