i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
