I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
