all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize