as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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