Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize