i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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