the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
this is an emotional support booty call
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
