im having a threesome with these popsicles
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
