Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
