You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
