Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
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You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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