I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
