this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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