I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
