I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
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