Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
