also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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