I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
