Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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