If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
