Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
