I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
