I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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