Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
