apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
