True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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