Jerry, you need to find god
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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