I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
