She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
