so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
