I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
