All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
