Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
