life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
