I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
