when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
