We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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