Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
