I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
