Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
