Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
it hurts more in the daytime
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize