I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
