I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Randomize
